from here to go-dhuli

our words tear paths

as if we are oracles

our touch gathers

courage as though 

there's no law for it 

mosquitoes now follow us home 

knocking on our window panes

like tiny trickster castaway birds

who are also sorrowful orphans 

it is yet a quiet sky

as the clouds go by 

in the long intimacy

of anguish, a golden

go-dhuli dust blooms

my mother has promised us love

and it is in this clearing: quiet as--

wary as-- gentle as-- worn as-- cattle

waiting and gentling into another time

_____________________________

Note: Go-dhuli, literally "dust of cows" in Sanskrit, the golden hour of sunset when cattle return home; it is considered to be a beautiful and auspicious time and is a nostalgic trope. Cows are revered as archetypal mothers (Go-matha) in Hindu-Indian culture. (I mean, that's where "holy cow" as an expression probably came from!?) Also, my mom and I have a very silly, longstanding act where we play cow and calf.

____________________________

Pic: Nu's photo of Chelli, Huck, Max, and me reading in the afternoon. (Or Chelli and I are trying to anyway.)

home and away

My India fam is back from the trip to visit friends and we've been inseparable all day. Time is running out. This is likely my mom's last trip to the U.S. I don't feel like I can ask her to undertake 24-hour travel for me again. It's tough facing it, but my once irrepressible mom is not as hearty or hardy. 

My sis and I have shared all the hacks and jokes we'd been saving up for each other. And she now knows all my walking paths, so when I send pictures of scenery, she'll know where they came from.

Big A is doing ok... It's his first wipeout in 35+ years of bicycling and I think that hurts the most.

Three nice things for me this week: 1) I got randomly picked as volunteer of the month at Helping Women Period and I shared that on social media in case other people wanted to get involved too. 

2) I got an email from the colleague who runs the travel abroad program conveying some generous remarks from a student. That was nice in itself. I didn't realize until I got a thank you from the provost that the colleague had copied other people too. I thought that was extra magnanimous.

3) One of the editors of a recent thing I sent off wrote to another editor about my piece: "Isn't this just wonderful?" It's not much and doesn't mean anything in terms of production--but it just seemed so cheerful and unfiltered, it has made me smile every time I've thought of it. 

Pic: Huck and Max. A bit serious--they like the extra pets with extra fam around, but they're not sure they like sharing me.

never a dull moment

I had looked forward to today--on the family calendar as a college orientation day for Nu. But when we got to orientation, kids and families were separated early in the day and I didn't see Nu again until pick up time. Nu met their roommate, gathered some some people who followed them around, got some swag and their ID, and generally seemed to have had a lot of fun. I made the best of things.

After making us dinner, I was looking forward to an evening of quiet reading while Big A went off to ride with his bicycling club and Nu watched old episodes of Rupaul to recuperate from the day... but I got a text message from Big A's Garmin that he'd been in a crash and I was his emergency contact. 

Luckily, although he'd wiped out, Big A is alright. We went to the E.R. to get his road rash cleaned and to get some stitches, and that's where I got my quiet reading in this evening. We're back home now.

here's an idea...

Pic: Here it is in all its gritty glory: "the reason you should care... is not that it could happen to you but that it is already happening to others." This is from Marsha Gessen's crucial piece in the NYT from earlier this year. I can't understand why countries seem to be constantly at war with their poorest and most marginalized citizens here and everywhere.

My India fam is visiting with friends until Friday morning. Another friend may come to us from Friday to Sunday (when they will leave). Yesterday's lunch choice was IHOP ( a solid choice) but I slipped up and got into a debate about politics (bad choice). 

I wonder if this is why I live so far away? I don't know that I could take people I love so much saying stuff all the time like, "But if you give the poor things for free they'll become lazy and won't work." When I heard that, I went hot and my voice got very quavery. I know how precarious the day-to-day is for so many people and how hard they work at all sorts of things so they can stay alive. 

And then I heard it, the constant chorus from my childhood: "Don't be so idealistic."

But why the heck not?

prayer for a future tide

hollows show with stars

in sequence all these years 

paralyzed only by the possibility

of time... if this world were mine

*

we'd follow the ripples on the path 

to where we widen daily treads

into the light, though the trail 

turns water as salty as tears  

*

the sound of the sea is

so close to the humming om 

of planets... of eternity folding--

dissolving all we can ever know... 

*

reversing presents, lining calendar

days in black, and yet bringing

the urgent surf of every day 

where we learn to love

__________
Pic: Nu's photo of Amma, Chelli, and me. I love that that there are complimentary wheelchairs at most museums. 

going through the (e)motions

Off to Grand Rapids today to visit the #1 Sculpture Park in the USA (are there others?) and then dinner at a friend's place until late at night when we had to break away to do our nightly video call with dad.

Already mom is feeling some anxiety about being away from dad.

Already I feel like I'm going through the motions and not enjoying this moment as much as I could be. I know I'll look back on this trip... I know we couldn't have done more, but I think I could do better compartmentalizing some of my grief about SLE so not making more of this amazing time we have together doesn't become another regret to tote. 

Pic: Sis, Nu, and mom at Meijer Gardens. The majestic greenhouses are in the background.

meta

I can't believe it has been a week (since my fam arrived, since SLE died... how is life so unrelentingly incessant?).

My sister and I took off for an early morning hike. We did a couple of midday ones last week, but the heat seemed to exacerbate her sadly near-constant migraine, so we thought we'd try a sunrise trek today. 

Later in the afternoon a matinee of Incident at Our Lady of Perpetual Help at our local regional Theater. So hilarious (and Irish!) that when Nu and Big A heard about it at dinner they wanted to see it too, so I'm taking them next week. 

Pic: Being meta about my sister's tee and photography at the Beal Gardens pond.