he stands there

he stands there as if

 the most popular boy in pre-K 

the other kids clustered around
exclaiming at his new clothes

           that's my old T-shirt said one

           my old rain boots said another

           those pants will make you itch

          ask me how I know, said the wag 

he stands there dull

the shape of shame in his mouth

pushing up the smile that wants 

to droop, thinking up a comeback  

           in years to come he'll be bemused

           that his kids aim to shop vintage

          and give clothes away seasonally

           that his wife wants to thrift... and

he stands there still

when she invites him to come 

lifted like a ship in a calm harbor

surprised he finds welcome in that

_________________

Pic: A magnolia tree in full bloom. (On a walk with L.)

in the name of James Baldwin, Amen

Exam week has its own sense of frenzy, but the volume of work email was low today and I opened up emails that I might not otherwise have opened up. Some notable ones below:

1) I got some fiery ideas for real resistance from an open letter to the Dem leadership. It got me right from its very relatable beginning: "Dear Democratic Party, I need more from you. You keep sending emails begging for $15, while we’re watching fascism consolidate power in real time." (LOL-sob). What follows is an amazing 7-point plan of action that gave me so much hope. This email's subject header was "Letter from Liz Cheney" and I would have usually been like NOPE. (It's actually authored by a Dr. Pru Lee.)

2) An apparently long-standing bookclub in the area wants me to lead a discussion of Clear by Carys Davies sometime in the upcoming year and they'll pay me $200 for the hour. I didn't realize bookclubs paid people?! This email's subject header was "Book Review" and I thought it was a request from someone I didn't know asking for a blurb.

3) An organization I volunteer with rather infrequently wants to feature me as the volunteer of the month, and were giving me a heads up that they were going to pull my photo from my Google profile. Okay. This email's subject header was "Thank You from ___" and I actually thought it was a fundraising email. 

4) The birthday cake I delivered the other day and prompted the fight with Big A was enjoyed by the three-year-old it was meant for. Their family sent me a photo and it was so adorable that it melted Big A's heart. He said he'd come with me on delivery trips when possible (basically be my "delivery buddy" as Lisa suggested). This email's subject header was "cake"-- I think I had a feeling what it was about. 

I wonder what surprises I'm missing on high-volume email days!

Pic: Last week at the bookstore with At, I got this James Baldwin votive from their "Secular Saints" collection. Baldwin went on my altar as soon as I got home, as I need his courage and clarity in these times. (At and I laughed about the side eye she gave me when I got this because I was such a stickler about "bookstores and bookfairs are for books, not toys and tchotchkes" when the kids were growing up.)

comfortably numb

I got my Taco Bell. And I did the damned thing. I got the surgery under the local anesthetic. I could still feel pressure and pulling and tugging, but it didn't actually hurt and it was over in under half an hour.

I'm comfortably numb and really grateful for anesthesia.

Yesterday's freakout reminded me of when I went to have my wisdom teeth removed twenty years ago. The new and very kind dentist went over the procedure and the probably standard spiel of complications like nerve damage, bruising, etc...  I started crying. I still have all my wisdom teeth. I still wonder if I traumatized that young dentist. 

If I'm navel-gazing, I think it's not so much the needles and pain I'm afraid of (although that too) as much as all the talk of what could go wrong, because I will imagine every detail and I will imagine it happening.

Anyway, I plan to be on campus tomorrow, so time to prep or rest or read... Grateful for pep talks from the fam and friends today. Grateful for fam and friends. 

Pic: Forsythia in full bloom on the banks of the Red Cedar.

brain laundry

I came across the idea of "brain laundry" where you sort your light and dark thoughts. Here are some topics from today sorted by ":)" and ":/".

1. Conferences:

:) Successfully submitted two proposals--one by myself + one with E.M. And I started work on a chapter proposal which isn't due until May.  

:/ Both conference proposals are fairly slapdash. Also, I wanted to submit one with Big A to jumpstart our stalled writing project, but we just didn't get around to it. 

2. Surgery

:) I'm supposed to get surgery tomorrow to get a cyst taken care of. Finally! I've been putting it off for a very long time. It's a minor procedure under local anesthesia and I've been promised Taco Bell. Yay.

:/ When the nurse went through post-surgery wound care, I got majorly freaked out. I called Big A and he talked me down, but I might still bail tomorrow. 

3. Charity

:) I'm lucky that my family is so supportive of giving in general and fairly mindful of my rules like not spending because we're saving to give to X, etc. Then there are unbudgeted things like GoFundMes and grocery add ons. A good percentage of the weekly grocery run is things I sock away for free pantries and people asking for stuff. Big A's family was on food stamps when his divorced mom was putting herself through school for teacher education, so he never begrudges the extra expense...

:/ But, he does NOT like it when I deliver stuff, because he's convinced it's dangerous.  Although sometimes like today there is no alternative (someone needed a birthday cake for their kid and did not have a car). He likes to tell me I'm going to get trapped in a basement... because he knows how much that terrifies me. This led to a fight. 

4. (Pic:) Gardening: 

:) The box of perennials I brought home from the plant sale this Saturday on the floor of the tea garden. Bleeding Hearts, Gauras, Hellebores, and Geraniums. I'm going to plant them inside for a few weeks until it's frost-safe outside.

:/ I feel so bad when I catch myself wishing the Poinsettias, which have cheerfully been going strong since before Christmas, would die. Poor things--I should just move them somewhere where I don't have to see them all the time. 

Happy New Year!!

Yes, really! I said what I said.

It's Tamil New Year and Asian solar new year through much of the planet today. I am grateful for this reset, I am thankful for the pause. I heard from people I haven't heard in a while, I celebrated with family and friends, I made an Indian feast, I had a pooja.

Democracy is breaking down in the White House and various other things are breaking down in my house, but I'm reassured by Harvard University's resolve not to "surrender its independence or relinquish its constitutional rights" and even more heartened by the 80-something way less affluent colleges and universities that signed an amicus brief opposed to threats against people for lawful speech. Among these, I was charmed to see good old Antioch in Yellow Springs (always on the right side of history!) and other places I've adjuncted including The University of Dayton and Michigan State University.

Pic: I stopped at Lake Lansing Park for a short walk and a few minutes of meditation in the midst of the lapping water on this beautiful day.

a checklist for the seasons: speech & passage, change & endurance

 the diagnosis is that its only nostalgia

the prescription is just talk

so I try twice a day to mimic my elders

misinterpreting decades

to all these openly yawning windows  

and wait patiently

as words fall into them... no one gets hurt

while beating time

although I thought of money as paperwork

all these years, I find

they're artificial leaves falling sullenly

no matter the season

so there's no need to hold me or name me 

I write to you against all odds

and wonder how we don't cry all the time

sometimes, I am so proud of us

-----------------------------

Pic: StephLove asked what the Muppets-themed seder was like. There was an enactment of the Passover story in one of the M's currently empty raised gardening beds with puppets. It featured Kermit as Moses, a Pirate as the Pharaoh and children had paper bags to throw locusts, lice, and pestilence when their cues came up. It was an inspired production and so much fun! And the weather was just perfect for all of it. 

six for Saturday (making me smile)

1) L and I decided to go to the plant sale but didn't want the hassle of finding parking, so we walked over to the horticultural center and brought home our perennials on the sled L resourcefully brought with her. We must have looked like very eccentric ladies.

2) It was fun to see a bunch of MSU skaters practicing jumping amidst chatter and laughter and... using an MSU police barricade for practice.

3) Yesterday the pedicurist asked if At and I were sisters and today At remembered that people have been asking if we were siblings since At was about five years old. Back then, it used to make me feel bad because it felt like people were saying I wasn't a grownup. But now, I feel compassion for the ingenuous and overworked single mom I was.

4) Nu, who wouldn't even let me throw them a 16th birthday party bash, gave me permission to throw them a graduation party. I feel a bit guilty, because I think they're doing it to just make me happy, but L says doing stuff for others is a sign of maturity and I should give Nu that chance. Ha.

5) Today's Passover Seder at the M's was Muppets-themed. Nu wanted to go when the invitation first arrived, but ditched this morning. Big A who didn't want to go from the beginning kept making up silly, complicated reasons why (one of them was that Miss Piggy might be there and that would be problematic because of the prohibition against swine--eyeroll). It's a good thing I'd invited EM to go with me--we had a great time.

6) Pic: One of the rooms L and I wandered into by accident at the horticultural center happened to be the butterfly house. It was bright with sunlight and blooms and I think I got a butterfly or two in this frame.