everything (three things) everywhere (in three places) all at once (and all tomorrow)

It's not quite at the same volume as the movie, but it does feel like I have to be in three places tomorrow: Nu is sick and has to stay home, it's my big NWSA day in Detroit, and BL is in labor in a Lansing hospital.

Today a coach at Nu's school died in a car accident. Apparently, he had been saddened by the student's suicide last week, so the community is wondering if he'd been distracted by that when the accident happened. He was a basketball coach and Nu is... decidedly not on the basketball team. So when I first got the email from the school informing me, I didn't even know if Nu knew him. But when I got home, Nu was full-on crying, their face swollen and snotty, and they were really quite inconsolable. And they felt warm to the touch, and sure enough they were running a temperature. Aaron will be home from work around the time I have to leave for Detroit tomorrow, so I think I'll be able to leave as planned...

... for NWSA! As it is, I'm not going for the whole four-day affair. And as it is, I've already gotten texts from friends I see only at conferences asking if I want to have dinner with them, etc. Alas. But both my panels and my caucus meetings are tomorrow, so my day trip tomorrow will have to do. Perhaps I could go in on Saturday too, if Nu is better and I have the energy and I'm not needed...

...At the hospital where BL is laboring to give birth to my honorary grandchild! I won't be in the delivery room, but I can at least be in town, right? I'm SO EXCITED!!

Pic: I was full of nervous energy + Nu felt like cake, so I baked some banana-pumpkin muffins. It turns out this was the project I'd been holding on to the hibiscus-sugar (that SD brought me when she visited in 2022) for.

Things (and I do mean things) making me happy (a little bit) and lessons I could take away

In order of expense, I suppose:

1. Bluey is back! My little big all-electric S.U.V. is back from the dealership! I dropped it off in JANUARY because the battery wasn't responding. When I wrote about missing my teal-blue Bluey back in May, Nance was horrified it had already been that long. But here's the thing. We got this all-electric thing in 2019. And we were early Elon Musk haters, so it's not a Tesla.  And by January 2024, it was out of warranty. But it was a first-gen vehicle and the dealership was quite kind in setting me up with a loaner and working on it till they got it right... and they didn't charge me anything for the loaner or the repair. They even joked on text once in a while. Lessons: Things take time; people are doing their best. 

2. The kitchen faucet gave up during our Diwali bash, and we just had it replaced. The faucet itself only cost about forty dollars. Afterward, we marveled at how strong the stream of water gushing out was whenever we turned the handle. Although the handle on the old one had been wonky for over a year, I kept putting off the repair, and somehow--probably because it had happened gradually--we had gotten used to the slow flow. Lessons: Fix things promptly; don't settle for less because of the "slow boil."

3. Lavender oil has been my mainstay for a long time. A few drops in the household laundry before it goes in the dryer (rose oil for my clothes); a few drops on pillowcases, and extra for the people who can't fall asleep easily; rubbed into skin as a pain reliever for small sprains and bruises; a sprinkle on a cushion as a room freshener; and on and on. I've recently started using it as a hair detangler too--and I think it leaves my hair glossy. When I use it on damp hair and air dry as usual, it really defines my waves. Lessons: Keep it simple; go with what you know to be good.

4. The open can of coconut milk I found in the fridge. I love my Big A. And I love that he made me cauliflower wings with Thai seasoning. But apparently, the recipe called for a tablespoon of coconut milk, so the rest of the can got shoved into the fridge? Anyway finding the the open can helped me de-spicy-fy the Thai Tom Yum I made for dinner. For a half-Indian child, Nu doesn't do spicy very well... Lessons: Use what you have, even if sometimes it's someone else's "mistake."

Pic: Max is almost camouflaged in the leaves here. Gah. This week, I wish I could disappear too.

mid-night, mid-life, mid-everything

Do you remember how childhood used to be real and we lived inside it?

I just got off the phone with my mom... we were chatting and having a great time, but suddenly she did some time math (it's around 3:00 am here, 1:30 pm in India) and told me to go to bed. 

She also said she would send me 100$ to buy "something nice" on my December trip with my sister and I suddenly felt about 12 years old. When I did the currency math, $100 is like 8400 rupees, and I demurred, but my mom won't let me refuse. 

Something about being hustled off to bed and the delight in my mom's voice about treating me makes me feel precious and small and cared for. And it makes me want to cry. But of course this week, everything makes me want to cry.

Pic: Sanford Woods last week. 

orison for an apocalypse

let us praise the ghosts

tired as they return 

home to us 

let us pry open a time 

until nothing is left

unremembered

let us pray we can shine 

redundantly into a day 

already radiant 

let us practice coming 

to the reopened door 

with hope

___________________________

Pic: This is my favorite thing--sorry not the dead flowers and the gunky birdbath--but yes, the flaking Buddha statue with the verdigris and faded prayer flags and the accidental hole in his thigh and the CHIPMUNK FAMILY WHO SHELTERS INSIDE HIM. 

group shout... out

It was supposed to be a communal scream to rage against the election results. As it turned out, we did a lot of talking and shared info about local organizations doing good work (the Refugee Development Center, The Fledge, and Salus Center, to name a few; a Google doc is forthcoming). 

One person suggested we shout from our diaphragm rather than scream because screaming might hurt our vocal cords and increase our cortisol levels while shouting would make us feel powerful. So that's what we did much to the surprise of the ducks and geese out on the lake.

I lacked the energy to go to yesterday's potluck, so I wondered if I would make it out of the house today, but the person organizing the communal scream was sick, and somehow suddenly I was the facilitator, so I had to go. (I wish I'd stop doing this, btw--at Friday's Faculty Meeting, I agreed to be the humanities rep on a committee because there was no humanities rep and I was afraid if I didn't volunteer then the humanities wouldn't be represented at all.) 

Anyway, I'm glad I went today. It was good to be in community and to meet new people. (I can't say I feel radically unburdened or different though.)

Pic: Sharp Park at sunset after our group scream shout. 

there is no map to the unreal

the long lines won't let go

I cannot even write

who is it that sold the world

who birthed it breaking

words turn, unlatch, and then

run away

I am run over in the middle of 

of nowhere

the journey is now a recovery

just a few steps 

forward and then I carefully

re-turn back 

I'm eclipsed in the small forevers

of amnesias

a place I have all the time I want

to not be here

_____________

 Pic: My today, basically: books, work, puppies. It's sad and hilarious how terrified Max is of the purple ball when it rolls towards him. He was scared of it when he was a puppy and it was bigger than him, and somehow scared of it still although he's much bigger than it now. Perhaps there's some lesson there for me?

Five for Friday: In the Aftermath

1) Yesterday's animus was disturbing, but it is outweighed by all the good memories of other things I've found by my office door--conversations, notes, stickers, buttons, gifts, flowers... I'm not going to let this one (and I hope only) bad experience dismantle all of that. 

2) The college put out a campus-wide email today condemning the harassment--I appreciate how quickly they acted. The email starts "in the aftermath of the recent election" so they're not shying away from why this is happening either.

3) So, so grateful for all the people who reached out or reached back when I reached out to them. I'm not alone in this. I never was. I never will have to be. 

4) I worked from home today. And there's so much work! Student research projects are underway; they're the culmination of the semester's learning and are so exciting. I have two panels to chair at the NWSA next Friday + one paper to write. It's past 3 am, and I'm still putting the final touches on my Gaza class, in a couple of hours... And of course, despite this heavy roster of tasks, I spent too much time today trying to articulate why I should not have been harassed. That's one of the ways racism, sexism, etc. get people to waste their time--by making them try to justify their existence as Toni Morrison explained. 

5) A child in Nu's school died by suicide last night. Friends think it was panic about the election results. Nu did not know them personally but found themselves sobbing inconsolably all day. They told me people were posting supportive Post-it notes everywhere and giving hugs to everyone and that it just made them cry harder because the student who had died could have benefitted from all of this. I want to cry too. I wonder how many people we will lose needlessly in the coming four years...

Pic: Max waits for me to catch up. I'm not usually home at this time, so I was pausing to marvel at all the cool shadows the trees were making in the autumn light.