when we edit the beast

the sadness scratching out of the dirt of your body             like an animal           is gentle         is a gentleman     who says, after you       

I can only guess what you're after      what you think I'm after    our lives are short       you beg me to remember the risks

but I know we arrived dancing       even before we were born                 know even when dead we may     return with new things to say

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Pic: Backyard winter wonderland. I especially love how the snow erases all our landscaping mistakes and covers up our many unfinished projects...

Nu spent yesterday hoping today would NOT be declared a snow day since today was the last day before Christmas break and there were all sorts of fun activities planned at school. 

things 1 & 2

Friends, has everyone gotten their Flu and COVID vaccines? Big A is seeing an uptick in cases at the E.R. so it may be past time. I'm at two superspreader events this weekend and am hoping my immunity/luck holds.

Shamefully, I haven't gotten mine this year yet--I need two to three days to recover from the shots and the timing hasn't been right with travel to Arches at mid-term break and Greece at the start of winter break. I've promised myself that I'll get it right after Christmas. 

I've also determined to work on my sleep hygiene. In my defense, there are some mitigating circumstances such as A's nighttime job, my own anxiety, my hankering for quiet hours, etc. The overall appeals of health and wellness didn't work on me--I felt I could deal with fatigue, aches and pains, hair loss, wrinkles, and all that. But At's specific warning of dementia really shook me. If I could go to bed at midnight, or even 1:00 am, and get 4-6 hours of continuous sleep that would be an A+ improvement for now.

I'm just saying--once I get my sleep sorted, I'll have no bad habits at all. I will be so boring. 

Pic: Welcome Committee photo. (Too bad Welcome Committee photos are always blurry due to all the excitement and tail wagging.)

2/3 I am meandering; 2/3 a.m. meandering

I've heard that depression is worrying about the past, anxiety is worrying about the future, and happiness is living in the moment. 2/3 isn't so bad, right? 

I think I have anxiety and moments of happiness/joy. I feel fairly done with the past. And also really lucky to have escaped without major trauma given how naive and gullible I used to be. Big A and my sister, who know all the stuff I used to get up to, marvel at this all the time.

I think I get by because I am blessed in my family and friends--I couldn't wait till Friday's book club meeting to see L so I swung by for a chat and hugs (and also got roses because she'd been at the supermarket and they were on sale). Later, LV was in town to run errands and stayed for dinner and we dug out the tiny bottle of prosecco chilling in the fridge to celebrate his tenure. (It was perfect because Big A was working that night and couldn't drink, so LV and I could polish it off ourselves.)

Now it's 2:25 a.m.: Big A is at work; I'm wide awake. It could be worse, it could be 4:00 a.m., he could be home and we could be goofing off. Big A can sleep during the day to even things out, but I won't because my work happens during the day. 

At told me the other day that I'm going to get dementia if I don't get enough sleep. 

I worry about that. 

But then sometimes I think I'm channeling the spirit of my great-grandfather who, according to my mother, would wake in the middle of the night to light an oil lamp and write poems about Hanuman, the god he was passionately devoted to. 

I'm not as religious, but I write? Right?

Pic: Our Christmas tree in the light. Oof, we really are running out of space.  

between the glass of dreams

they say every poem is a ghost story

keeping its secrets, still looking on in 

what I remember is opening the door

knowing this made surprise and sense 

the curious ritual of intuition and touch--

feeling one's way as though blindfolded

seeing everything entire as a visionary

I stay the same; I've never felt this way 

________________________________

Pic: Christmas coziness--our tree has every ornament (that survived our many moves) from the kids' kindergarten ouevre upwards. 

I told Engie we don't do advent calendars. And that was true, but this is Nu's last year at home and I thought I should at least try it? Big A and Nu like jam, so I got the (what I like to think of as the anti-Nazi jam) Bonne Maman calendar, and... they rarely barely remember to open it. I keep reminding them though, because I love those darling little jars when they're empty. And oh, what a sweet Bonne Maman advent calendar proposal story!

interior monologue randomness

*Thank you, America for welcoming me back with a school shooting. I've been thinking of Madison, WI friends all day. I know Sarah's kids are in public school (the shooting was at a private Christian school), but it's got to be scary having something like that happen in your city. (It's also the second or third time the media have tried to wrongly blame a trans kid for the shooting. WTH?)

*It's Dec 16th and I did not get an email from our Provost, so it's ok to assume I still have a job.

*I've landed very firmly back into Christmas prep territory. I did a ton before I left, so there's just stuff I'd be doing around this time anyway (cookies, last-minute wrapping, panic gift sourcing). I'm writing this relaxing by the glow of our Christmas tree.

*Our holiday cards are delayed, but that's because I wanted to include a pic of our sisters' Greece trip. I enjoyed wearing matching things every day with my sister and being a dork.

* Speaking of dorks, our partners have made miraculous recoveries. 

* Also, Big A drove an hour+ to pick me up at the airport with a drink and snacks and I had flowers and chocolate waiting for me at home. True Love! I'd stopped eating chocolate a few years ago, but I never waste anything, so loved ones have figured out that I'll eat it if someone else buys it for me--this is a cheat, right? 

*In the same vein, I've been sending all my discretionary cash to people's GoFundMes in the past year, so having to spend money on myself on the trip was a bit jarring. But it was for my sister's big birthday, and I don't get to decide how she spends her corporate salary. Nevertheless, I had to spend a lot of time talking myself through these rationalizations before I could fall asleep at night. 

*I avoided the news this last week, but I learned today that Reem's grandfather died in an Israeli shelling. I'm not a "I'm glad they get to be together now in heaven" type of person; I'm a "they should both be alive together on earth kind of person." So I'm both sad and mad. 

*Lisa asked if my sister and I had done a trip like this before--we haven't! My kids are finally at a point where I can take off for something like this without much prep. Ironically, although my sister doesn't have kids, our elderly parents live with her, and it requires a lot more planning on her end now. 

*Nance and Lisa also picked up on my mention of a squabble. This was despite both of us being on our best behavior. We haven't lived together in thirty+ years and are very different. For instance, we have diametrically opposed views on this year's revolution in Bangladesh. But at the same time, we want similar things like the secular India of our childhood that was a shelter and leader to third-world causes. So we can make it work. We plan to go to Egypt for my 60th! 

 

Pic: Friday's Cape Sounio sunset.

bloopers and getting back

Pics: From this morning's photoshoot. I wanted a picture of my sister and me with the Acropolis in the background for the holiday card. But our selfie skills and timing were off and we kept messing up the shots: our big heads were in the way, or our expressions were unready, or it tickled, and by the end we were just laughing so hard the pics were unusable. But looking at these pictures when I was by myself on the trip back made me smile every time. (We have matching blue silk blouses and olive-wreath headbands for "atmosphere.")

I was ready to be back home, but simultaneously SO SAD to say goodbye. Incidentally, we said goodbye FOUR times at the airport--thinking each time we might not be able to make it back to a common area in the departure lounge to hang out although our flights were within an hour of each other's. My flight was earlier, and the same ticket agent witnessed our super-clingy (cringey?) goodbye twice. I don't care. I probably won't be able to see my sister until the summer or even longer. (And I'll probably never see that ticket agent again in my life.)

Big A told me forty-five minutes into our hour's journey back home from the airport that he'd had pain on his left side all evening. I would have taken the bus back home if I'd known earlier. (It immediately made me think it sounded like a warning sign of a heart attack, but he claims it is probably just some inflammation. I trust his diagnosis though.) My sister's partner too sprouted a fever this week. I feel like our partners should be able to make it a week without us? I've kissed a sleeping Nu hello, and have been hanging out with Max and Huckie who gave me a hero's welcome home (but then, they always do no matter how long or short my absence has been) while eating the remains of the dinner and fruit salad the fam had earlier. I missed all of this...

Hydra, Poros, Aegina

We took the ferry to three islands in the Saronic Gulf today: Hydra (which has no cars and only donkeys and mules for transportation), Poros (with its sweeping views of the Peloponnese), and Aegina (home to the only temple of Aphaia and the pistachio capital of Greece--they roast the pistachios with lemons and that turns out amazing!).

We met a few groups of people we'd seen at various sights earlier in the week, and it was nice to hang out with them, dance with the boat DJ who started playing Bollywood songs, and play cards when the sea journey got monotonous. I could stare at waves all day, but perhaps that's not for everybody? 

Our very final stop on the tour was the Greek Orthodox church of St. Nektarios, which was built in 1993. I scoff at the 20th century anyway and when the guide said sick people from all over the world come there, my horrified sister made eye contact with me and mouthed "Let's leave," so we did. Not a very inspiring last stop, but we were requited with an absolutely amazing sunset and a beautiful full-moon-rise over the water on our way back.

Pic: We started the day with a squabble, but please don't misread our grumpy faces and fist-bump which was to show off our matching bracelets.