not a solution

I've been breaking down about every tiny thing and everywhere, so Big A suggested I should apply to take the rest of the semester off work. 

I don't think that's a possibility...

1) H.R. won't go for it--I've seen colleagues work through bereavement, having cancer treatment, babies etc.

2) The classroom is the place where I feel most "normal" right now.

3) I can imagine what I'll be thinking about with all that "extra" time? OMG.

nice day for...*

Today was a nice day for an "Alternative Break." I'd always promised myself that I'd go on these service breaks with a group from the college when I was an empty nester.

It felt very therapeutic to throw myself into using my body to lug things to fill two forty-foot dumpsters for the Habitat for Humanity ReStore. I thought a lot of the stuff that went to the landfill today could be reused, but the people at the store had already had it for a while and needed to make room. They know what's best for them, so I just did what I was asked to do.

At lunch, one of the students referred to my recent India trip and asked how I was doing. I hadn't mentioned anything to this group, so I asked how they knew. Turns out they know a student in one of my classes. I wonder if I've been a little "off" for that student to mention it to other people.

Also, I met a volunteer at the store who had been in the Peace Corps in the 1960s (and she's still volunteering!). She'd served in India so we talked a while about all the ways in which things have changed (not for the better). She said she'd just read and loved the new Kiran Desai The Loneliness of Sonia and Sunny, which I'd planned to read, because I loved Desai's last novel (was it really nearly 20 years ago?). So I came home and started on that right away.

Pic: A brilliant sky and the practical backlot at the Habitat gig today.

*I can't hear "nice day for..." without Billy Idol snarling "White Wedding" in my head every time!

continuing difficult

Diane Keaton's death this weekend. Her dates (1946-2025) are exactly Amma's. I won't watch The Family Stone this Christmas. 

Dropping Nu off at their dorm this morning. It was so easy to get used to Nu's energy around the house again. Nu and I carried their new dorm fridge to their room. And... I offered to clean their room/hire someone to clean their room. Nope. Well, I offered anyway.

For some reason all the roadkill got to me today. All these deer and raccoons just randomly mowed down. I hit a deer three years ago, so I know it's sudden and unavoidable and no one is going around trying to get these creatures. But seeing so many dead, their insides emptied out, was more than I could handle today.

I wish I hadn't read The Seven Moons of Maali Almeida, in which the afterlife is full of demons and hungry malicious ghosts. The afterlife should be a peaceful reunification with the universe.

the big ones

"If you kept the small rules, you could break the big ones." 1984 George Orwell

we're united in the day and earth

is dreaming

do whatever it is you want to do 

be quick 

even if your train of thought goes

off track

you're just supposed to know how

"stay calm"

seasons fade in Sunday's sunlight 

so what

even our shifting stars and stories

are no use

I understand what you hold on for 

--dear life

but the question is what we do 

what do we do

when so many of us haven't

died yet

____________

Pic: Ducks making ripples on The Red Cedar.

brand new adult

Not a clear photo, but in the background Nu is laughing their head off and At is grinning. It reminds me of a birthday dinner filled with hi-jinks, ridiculous rules (no kissing! three kinds of potatoes for the table!), and unlooked for consequences (silly dances and jalapeno drinks and Max barfing possibly in response to Nu's bad flute-playing).

I'm glad I was able to make space to make joy before Nu headed out with friends for the rest of the evening. 

On their very first day on earth, the pediatric nurse pronounced Nu "an old soul." 

 They're now a full-fledged adult.

It still seems wild.

changing gears

It's Nu's birthday tomorrow. Nu's 18th birthday! And I woke up this morning determined to change gears. 

Actually, I woke up late this morning, having slept through my alarm for the first time in decades. Still I used the the 28 minutes I had to shower and get ready, used the hour commute to mentally prep myself, and was on time for my 8 am meeting. 

And then when I casually checked my email near the end of the meeting, I saw there was a gift card for Nu from my parents and I could barely keep it together. I wonder how far into the future my mom has arranged things...

Later, someone asked me if I had allergies. Yes, I'm allergic to sorrow.

But... Nu is home for the weekend! We've already had one requested dinner (sushi), cut one cake (pumpkin cheesecake), and done the birthday dec. 

I can't believe it has been 18 years since Big A and I walked hand-in-hand down 1st Ave to the NYU hospital where he worked as a resident, only this time it was for me to get admitted so I could get induced and we could finally meet Nu. (Like At, who was spending that night with Cousin P, Nu was about ten days over the estimated delivery date too).

Pic: Max and Huck are delirious with happiness that Nu's here. I am too.

wild, sad, and serious

I thought I'd come to the idea that walking would help me dull my pain on my own... I realize now it may have come from Cheryl Strayed's Wild, which I devoured in a single afternoon one summer. Hiking the Pacific Crest Trail is her formula for dealing with mother-loss and grief.

I should be sadder. I would be if I didn't keep forgetting that it really happened. Every time I remember, it still feels unreal. It was mom's "Boss Day" yesterday, and I could barely get through it. It felt real again and again because I couldn't call her.

I'm so relieved that there is some semblance of a ceasefire in Gaza (Doctors Without Borders reported they're still hearing bombing). Amidst the hope for healing, I keep thinking about the the nearly 60,000 children who have lost parents and how it must feel to experience that loss so violently and so young.

At stopped by--it was SLE's birthday and At needed her mom. I suggested we celebrate SLE and we talked so much about SLE we both had a good cry... and then we went to the temple with an offering of fruit, flowers, and silks just for something formal to do. At had been disinvited to the funeral by SLE's family, so I keep suggesting At and her friends need to do something to honor SLE in a way she would have enjoyed. (I know so many rites now since Amma's funeral.)

Pic: Why so serious, sweet Max? (Because Dad made him wear his glasses.)