three moms and three mommy dilemmas

Yesterday, I joined EM, EM's mom, and EM's mom's best friend at dinner to celebrate EM's mom's birthday. I loved hearing all the stories about Baby EM as much her mom loved telling them. (And also, I loved telling Big A that she told me to tell him that he was a very lucky guy.)

Today, I had a long tea with JG and she got kind of bashful at the end of our visit and then offered me some of her mom's jewelry, because she's always said that her mom (who passed away thirty years ago and I never got to meet) would have loved me. From everything I hear, the feeling's mutual. I was nearly moved to tears by the honor and and have picked out two pieces that I will treasure.

And this evening, in unexpectedly terrific news, my mom called to say she might make it to Nu's graduation party!

The thing is... I've been keeping a secret from her that I should probably disclose to her before she gets here. The secret's not wholly mine, but it's my mom, so I'm going to have to step up. That's dilemma #1. 

Friday is At's birthday. I was planning to do family dinner with At and then hurry to a fancy dinner I RSVPed "yes" to because I was nominated for a CASA award. (This is what the fam encouraged me to do, and they were going to accompany me too.) From the detailed itinerary I was sent this afternoon, however, it looks like I did NOT win the award. Would I be a dick if I changed my RSVP now? This is dilemma #2.

And finally, I will be far away from my kids on Mother's Day as I'm scheduled to be in the U.K with my travel Spring Term. Should we celebrate long distance, or arrange a M.U.M. Day (Make Up Mother's Day) as we did last year?

Pic: I love dandelions. Lately, I've been torturing myself with thoughts about having let Scout play in a nearby park with no dandelions, which means the place may have been sprayed with toxic chemicals, which means he may have ingested some, which means that may have caused his tumor, which means Scout would be alive if I had been a bit smarter. 

no doubt, no learning

no doubt, no learning, the guru says
these days flicker across your face
the sun dismantles every silence
and hangs up a chorus of desires 

made of bruises and credulousness 

a necklace of words around your throat

*

you don't even know that you're happy 
crying for something you can't recall

discovering circles of people

the drowned sounds of places

the burning earth, the world we made 
where everything can be turned into song 

________

Pic: The Red Cedar on my way back from breakfast yesterday. I love how this is from the bridge right in the center of the city and reportedly the most dangerous traffic intersection. But if I look away to my right, all is calm. 

Sunday moments

It was a beautiful day. I walked over to the breakfast spot where I was supposed to meet Engie for a long, leisurely, and luxurious breakfast. It feels like we're old pals at this point as this is meeting #3? 4?  

I listened to the Sinners soundtrack on repeat and argued with At about a lot of close readings and easter eggs in the movie... When she sent me a "Good Morning, Sinners" meme," I archly responded by reminding everyone that vampires can't do mornings. It may have been my finest moment.  

No. Actually, my finest moment was when I finally stopped fidgeting with the spacing and margins on the Spring Term syllabus and hit publish. I'm so excited to see everyone in the classroom again tomorrow.

Jeanie's partner Rick was hosting a classical guitar duo concert at his home and I was looking forward to seeing Jeanie for the second time this week. But I was mistaken in thinking the concert was in the evening--it was in the afternoon. Alas, Big A had tickets to the Pistons-Knicks playoffs in Detroit, so we weren't able to make it. It was a tragic and controversial loss for the home team... (Look at me parroting stuff like I know what that means.)

Pic: Big A's pic of the messy end of the Pistons-Knicks game today. 

Stream-of-consciousness Saturday

The NEH-funded medical-humanities conference I was so happy about being accepted to got canceled because their funding got canceled. 

Unrelatedly, EM and I started another proposal. I like how we work together on a document--throwing words and phrases on there and then randomly picking things up to stitch them together--it feels a bit like a sewing circle, honestly.

Suture-removal from surgery will happen on Wednesday... my mind has decided to start panicking about that. 

I could panic about the Spring term class that starts Monday, but my syllabus is so neat and the schedule is color-coded and looks so pretty, I'm kinda excited to share it with my students.

Also excited about the new backpack and new shoes I got to replace the multi-year, multi trip old timers.

Big A and I went to see Sinners again. In IMAX, no less. There's a story there about colonialism I want to unspool and the music is stunning. I found new things to be surprised by in that one time-meld sequence. 

Also surprising: I know I already met two bloggers this week, but I'm going to meet two bloggers again tomorrow. Quite the week! 

Pic: The hyacinths are here and their fragrance is heady.

well

I was racing like a reverse Cinderella to the sound of the bells striking the hour down the steps into the building yesterday. I would have preferred to stay home and mope, but I was due in court for the new CASA case. I was a bit slow leaving, but I got there just in the nick of time.

As it turned out it was a good thing. Although the case itself is sad, seeing all the people fighting to keep children protected was perhaps what I needed to see. 

There was a new prosecuting attorney, who, young as they seemed to be, knew how to ask the precise questions to redirect testimony back to the notable points. The doctor patiently giving expert evidence about about bones healing, made a nerdy comparison to Gothic arches. The judge always makes sure that everyone understands the legal procedure, providing summaries and outlines to help. 

There are many things wrong with our society, of course, but also so many reminders that so many are doing their best. There are such deep pockets of goodness and wellness in our society. 

Pic: Cherry blossom in full bloom. Beal Gardens w/ Lisa and Jeanie 4/22.

the terrible two-year anniversary

Today marks two years since we said good bye to Scout. 

I continue. 

The pain isn't as crushing as it was, but it persists. 

Most days, the hashtag #ScoutDay makes it to my posts because it was day that I missed him. 

Yesterday, I left trivia night in tears--not because we came in second (ha), but because the bar kept flashing a picture of a puppy who looked so much like Scout on their screen. 

Scout started popping up in our conversations and dreams even more than usual earlier this month--even before I made the calendar connection. I was amazed how our souls seemed to know this anniversary was coming up even before our minds figured it out.

Scout was certainly my once-in-a-lifetime "soul puppy." I'm so lucky to have had ten years with him... I wish every day it could have been longer.

He was the boy with the blaze.

I'm glad we got that final picture with the cherry blossoms.

I wish I could find a home for this poem about him. 

I love this early picture of him.

I'm glad he had a the best last day we could give him.

Goodbye my sweet Scout Akshaya. 

Pic: Scout and me on a Christmas trip to Ohio. He was always up for a selfie... or anything, as long as we were together.

everything is... connected

Robert Reich, one of the more public, progressive, pro-union voices, has been a source of hope for a long time. I have been especially grateful for him this year for his posts like "Ten Reasons for Modest Optimism" and statements that have become mantras to me: we are the leaders we've been waiting for; we can maintain decency in a time of monsters; courage is contagious...

I also feel connected to Michael Schwerner. Ever since I accidentally walked into a dusty storeroom in a house in the middle of Ohio--a house we would later live in--and found a picture of my fellow compatriot, Mahatma Gandhi, twinkling up at me. It was a picture of Gandhi on a certificate awarded to Michael Schwerner from his early years at CORE (The Council for Racial Equality). Michael "Mickey" Schwerner is, of course, one of the civil rights workers killed during the Freedom Summer of 1964 along with Chaney and Goodman in the case that garnered national attention and helped hasten the passage of the Voting Rights Act of 1965. Our house in Yellow Springs had belonged to Steven Schwerner, Michael's older brother and Dean of Antioch College who had moved away to Brooklyn to be closer to his grandkids. I kept finding traces of Michael Schwerner's presence in that house over the years and felt the jolt of his idealism every time.

So imagine my shock when Robert Reich mentioned that because he'd always been bullied for being short, in school he'd relied on kind older kids to protect him and one of those kids was "Mickey." Yes, Mickey Schwerner! He goes on to say that when he got to college and found out what had happened to Michael, he "began to see bullying on a larger scale" and credits this as the beginning of his insight into and involvement with social justice. It's amazing how just one well-lived life can ripple out across time and space and influence millions of others. I did not know that two people I thought of so highly were connected in such an immediate way. Rest in Power, Michael Schwerner.  

Pic: The woods at the back of the house have begun their greening.