proxy-mity

now is for understanding 

these things of today 
if they ricochet

the things of tomorrow
merely play at 

pilgrimage 

in concessions unexamined 

a syllabus of my grief

in the way

the assignment compulsory 
each option an arsenal 

regret every rule

she does not take me with her

but I carry her everywhere

a sort of possession 

___________________

Pic: A hike through Central Park South after a trip to the Farmers' Market with Big A. Although this looks woodsy, all this is right in the middle of town, and Big A made me laugh by pointing out that our usual movie theater was visible on our left.

But what could go right?

It's probably obvious to everyone who sees me, but it has been tough. In a month, it will have been a year. A whole year since my mom. 

Already, It has been a whole year since I saw her. 

But what could go right? 

*I went to UU for the first time in years. At first, I couldn't go because of Scout. Sitting in meditation or silence would make me cry, and I didn't even want to try after my mom. But I needed the peace of silence, of community. In these times, I need to know I'm not alone in my fight against fascism. They have an online option and I've restarted there for now.

*When the Canadian wildfire smoke was in full force, the acrid air made me think Canada was performing a smudging ritual (like burning sage) to help us through our annus horribilis. 

*The Odyssey movie was... wow. The mythology worked even without the gods. I would have liked more poetry and mystery, but there was plenty to geek out about. 

*This is old news, but Spain won the World Cup! Not going to pretend I'm a huge soccer fan, but I'm a huge fan of Spain and Pedro Sanchez right now for their staunch and principled support of Palestine, and the final became a sort of proxy arena for that whole issue. And the clips of Lamine Yamal and his toddler brother are just too cute.

*Abdul El Sayed, whom At had campaigned for as Governor back in 2018, and who is in this pic (At is on the extreme right), won a very closely watched primary, as did Will Lawrence, another DSA candidate. As my father-in-law, who's visiting for a while, said at dinner yesterday--now our lawn signs can stay up until November.

Pic: I'm finding my way... through Baker Woods.

crossing

in that room I have never left

this body drifts away from me

I've  mislaid an empty  head

crowds have taken its words

lines  shudder unprofitably

--because all are weeping--

you can tell how it ended 

though it won't ever end 

I learn to regret  the future

not  the  inconsistent  pasts

of the anticipated machinery 

I'm now at liberty to recite 

_______________________________________

Pic: Floating Dale Chihuly orbs at Meijer Sculpture Gardens in Grand Rapids. (Trip with Cousin P this week.)

present

these evenings: concerts, movies, friends

open beach, live oaks, flowers spilling

bells with no alarms

the cherry tree dropping shade to make 

a room, bowing to the fullness 

and newness of moons

the rain and incense of the morning

to awaken with earnest relief 

to know--it's still summer

 

though should you let the faucet run 

long enough, a revolutionary 

shock of cold water 

pulled well deep from inside earth

--as if from memory, reminds you 

of the tablet of days

the year's cool capsule of seasons

 ricocheting, recalling summer

as late blooming laughter

Pic: From the A$AP Rocky concert, live helicopter and all, 7/8 in Detroit. 

I had to cram the setlist the day of, because I wasn't familiar with most of his work.

a new chapter

I've raised A LOT of funds for our Refugee Development Center over the years from generous family and friends, but this is the first year I've volunteered there. I do some adult ESOL in the morning and help out in the toddler First Steps classroom in the afternoon.

It is filling my summer time and it is filling my heart. 

And when I need to process news like Nu saying they may not go back to college, it really, really helps to remind me that there are many, many ways to start over and over again.  

Pic: This afternoon's culinary delight was the work of many toddler hands and combined broccoli, eggplant, and peaches. (I will not be trying this at home.)

I wish I had more patience...

Big A and I worked on dredging the pond all day and he thinks (correctly) that we should let things dry before we repair, but I want to just go ahead and refill it up already.

I typed up a response to the Whistler text book club after dinner, but it seemed too late to text. I'm mentally hopping from foot to foot, waiting for it to be mid morning so we can unpack more delicious details.

The mango pickle I started (based on memories and vibes of my grandmother's) needs time to cure, but I keep opening the jar for just a little sniff.

The submissions to the project with EM are beginning to come in, and I love everything and just want to tell every author their submission is accepted although that won't be feasible.

Pic: Max adores Nu. I mean, he loves watermelon, but Nu, he just worships.

memoriam

I feel like          I will always be looking for you          don't know where to look for you          but I know every word           to your favorite song          I look at my body with some hesitation          but your favorite cake is now mine          at least these things will live happily ever after          it's an odd game, the going--          to be here in the brain's chorus and words          and so gone from the world

__________________

Pic: I haven't been to UU on Sundays since Scout (because sitting in silence makes me think of him and I prefer not to cry in public). But RDC, where I've been volunteering this summer, meets in the UU building. It was a "blast from the past" (as the family chat termed it) to see all our badges still sitting up there on the carousel.

born on the fourth

Happy fourth to anyone celebrating!

I was born on the fourth (of March), so today is my "Boss Day." I decided to protect my sanity today and take a news break to avoid having to see the people in charge. 

As if to cement this, yesterday's storm gave us some felled trees. The one across the driveway effectively walled us off from the world. No one was getting to us, and we weren't going anywhere.

Big A and I had a meditative retreat planned for today. I even wore all my crystals, expecting to find transcendence... Nothing. But I still had a peaceful good time though.

Another tree that fell in the back seems to have broken our pond and all the water is slowly emptying out. I'm so worried about the creatures that lived in there.

Pic: I felt like Sleeping Beauty when I woke up this morning to see I couldn't even see into the street. 

because I was raised by her

today I went back to dying

to falling down in places... 

in pieces, my eyes pitching

bones separate like solitude 

tears won't ask me questions

(they have seen inside me)

just don't call me to witness

as I travel to how I used to be

________________

Note: Inevitable comparisons with last year this time when I was so excited for my mom and sis to visit. My mom had already started her shenanigans, much to my delight.

Pic: Our water lily bloomed! (Not allowed to talk about algae right now.)

lifeline

for S.L.E.

1996-2025

look--how connected we are, we two

look--how  far  away the stars' gleam

who's to tell tomorrow what life-sized 

event can make us seem separate too

 rain protests like Rorschach shrapnel 

against the mouths of the buildings

 that swallow us, windows watching 

us spend outlawed, ongoing words 

my mind, just a machine of memory

all my notes veering between theory

or grocery lists... and in your mind

life a dimming rhythm of  wrongs

you dwell on answers, staying only 

for the songs: yes, yes, yes, and no

O, though it starts in a field of fear 

my heart was there for you to hold 

_________________

Somehow it's a year since S, At's ex, died by suicide.

(I tried to work with the different connotations of "lifeline" like umbilical cords, palm creases in fortune telling, lifespans, and maritime rescue.)

Pic: Seagulls along a Saronic coastline.

Sunday (five-day) update

The book reading and signing went fine. I worked myself up into a tizzy, and prepped in all kinds of ways, but Josh, the talented interlocutor, was lovely and very conversational and I was able to be myself and tell stories. I might even let family come to the next one! We sold a bunch of books and I signed all the remaining copies at the store (apparently signed copies sell better). Also, Nicole tipped me off that the old discount code didn't work for her. The publisher has given me a new one, it is FORM20.

I took the next day off. Like really off. If I owed anyone a text or a phone call or an email it just wasn't happening.

I've been spending all my time on summer reading... Finished the new Elizabeth Strout, then finished the new Ann Patchett. Both were lovely. I'd love to read The Things We Never Say with one of my bookclubs where so many are teachers. I'm currently almost through Maggie O'Farrell's Land. I get the charm the comfortable familiarity of stories like those of Strout and Patchett exercise. But give me the excitement of something like Land any day. I'm loving the anti-colonial intrigue, the imaginative recreation of bog people, the random snippet that pirates wore gold earrings so they could be used to pay for their funerals...

I spent a lot of time at the garden center. Also a lot of cash. But it's ok--I shop exclusively in my closet, and have no expensive habits or memberships--I can indulge myself. It was mostly flowers, but if the veggies take off, we/the deer will be grateful. 

I had a long and lovely dream about my Amma, sis, and me. We were visiting a fabulous desert palace. (we were supposed to go to Turkey together this year.) We were sitting on a bench holding hands and I was playing a new-to-me song (Niall Horan “Heaven” I bet the title is not a coincidence) because it has some surprising melodic changes in the chorus I thought my mom would like (she did). Then I offered to get my sister ice cream, and my mom said the most her thing possible! "What, Kanna? You’re going to eat ice cream without me?" That's when I woke up.

Pic: I found this hasty scribble from my mom I'd saved. It had been on something she'd sent me via someone who was visiting. A box of sweets, I think. I took it as a good sign for the week. 

hello, this is tomorrow

It's a good thing, I suppose, that I spent all day at my new volunteer gig at RDC (Adult ESOL + First Steps) because I didn't have time to panic about the book reading and signing tomorrow. 

But now dinner is done, Nu is in their room, Big A is at work, and I'm ready to panic. (Max and Huck just don't get this kind of thing.)

I've done poetry readings before but that's with other people. This is my first book reading. What if choke or OMG... what if it's the most boring thing ever?!

I've forbidden Big A and Nu to come. If I'm going to flail, I'd rather do it in front of people I don't know, you know? But I think friends are going to be there although I have not (yet) shared this anywhere.

Pic: Flyer from the bookstore. I was happy to be asked. Really, really, hope it goes well. 

book news!

My book (first monograph!) is out. 

Here's a publisher's link. Click on "sample" to see some dear, familiar names (alphabetical order of first names) pop out in the acknowledgements (para 5). If you'd like to order, please feel free to use "MAYA30" (without quotes) for a 30% discount.

 Pic: SD reaching for it on a display table. This may be the only time I ever share a space with the likes of Ada Limon, Jeanette Winterson, and Rebecca Solnit, so I better make the most of it. 

behind on comments, sorry!

I plan to catch up today XOXO

6/22 And working my way...