lifeline

for S.L.E.

1996-2025

look--how connected we are, we two

look--how  far  away the stars' gleam

who's to tell if tomorrow something life-

sized can make us seem separate too

 rain protests like Rorschach shrapnel 

against the mouths of the buildings

 that swallow us, windows watching 

us spend awkward, ongoing words 

my mind, just a machine of memory

all my notes veering between theory

or grocery lists... and in your mind

life a dimming rhythm of  wrongs

you dwell on answers, staying only 

for the songs: yes, yes, yes, and no

O, though it starts in fields of fear, I 

wish you'd held the force of my heart

_________________

Somehow it's a year since S, At's ex, died by suicide.

Pic" Seagulls along a Saronic coastline.

Sunday (five-day) update

The book reading and signing went fine. I worked myself up into a tizzy, and prepped in all kinds of ways, but Josh, the talented interlocutor, was lovely and very conversational and I was able to be myself and tell stories. I might even let family come to the next one! We sold a bunch of books and I signed all the remaining copies at the store (apparently signed copies sell better). Also, Nicole tipped me off that the old discount code didn't work for her. The publisher has given me a new one, it is FORM20.

I took the next day off. Like really off. If I owed anyone a text or a phone call or an email it just wasn't happening.

I've been spending all my time on summer reading... Finished the new Elizabeth Strout, then finished the new Ann Patchett. Both were lovely. I'd love to read The Things We Never Say with one of my bookclubs where so many are teachers. I'm currently almost through Maggie O'Farrell's Land. I get the charm the comfortable familiarity of stories like those of Strout and Patchett exercise. But give me the excitement of something like Land any day. I'm loving the anti-colonial intrigue, the imaginative recreation of bog people, the random snippet that pirates wore gold earrings so they could be used to pay for their funerals...

I spent a lot of time at the garden center. Also a lot of cash. But it's ok--I shop exclusively in my closet, and have no expensive habits or memberships--I can indulge myself. It was mostly flowers, but if the veggies take off, we/the deer will be grateful. 

I had a long and lovely dream about my Amma, sis, and me. We were visiting a fabulous desert palace. (we were supposed to go to Turkey together this year.) We were sitting on a bench holding hands and I was playing a new-to-me song (Niall Horan “Heaven” I bet the title is not a coincidence) because it has some surprising melodic changes in the chorus I thought my mom would like (she did). Then I offered to get my sister ice cream, and my mom said the most her thing possible! "What, Kanna? You’re going to eat ice cream without me?" That's when I woke up.

Pic: I found this hasty scribble from my mom I'd saved. It had been on something she'd sent me via someone who was visiting. A box of sweets, I think. I took it as a good sign for the week. 

hello, this is tomorrow

It's a good thing, I suppose, that I spent all day at my new volunteer gig at RDC (Adult ESOL + First Steps) because I didn't have time to panic about the book reading and signing tomorrow. 

But now dinner is done, Nu is in their room, Big A is at work, and I'm ready to panic. (Max and Huck just don't get this kind of thing.)

I've done poetry readings before but that's with other people. This is my first book reading. What if choke or OMG... what if it's the most boring thing ever?!

I've forbidden Big A and Nu to come. If I'm going to flail, I'd rather do it in front of people I don't know, you know? But I think friends are going to be there although I have not (yet) shared this anywhere.

Pic: Flyer from the bookstore. I was happy to be asked. Really, really, hope it goes well. 

book news!

My book (first monograph!) is out. 

Here's a publisher's link. Click on "sample" to see some dear, familiar names (alphabetical order of first names) pop out in the acknowledgements (para 5). If you'd like to order, please feel free to use "MAYA30" (without quotes) for a 30% discount.

 Pic: SD reaching for it on a display table. This may be the only time I ever share a space with the likes of Ada Limon, Jeanette Winterson, and Rebecca Solnit, so I better make the most of it. 

behind on comments, sorry!

I plan to catch up today XOXO

6/22 And working my way...

Fathers, First Heroes

A long FaceTime with my dad first thing in the morning. Everything about this post is so true and his hair is still so luxurious except strikingly all silver. Hopefully, that's me someday!

The rest of the day was trying to make sure that At and Nu remembered to do something nice for Big A and that Big A called his dad. I'd ordered a custom bracelet for Big A with all five kids' names on it (Scout too, naturally).

Flashback: At our rehearsal dinner, At (whose bio dad died when they were a toddler) asked if Big A could be "dad." And when we were having Nu, Big A legally adopted At so there would be no question in At's mind or anyone else's that he was truly dad. This was one of the things that made my mom love Big A so extra. Maybe me too.

Pic: A robin in a tree along the Red Cedar River. Father's Day walk with Big A. 

from eremition

I lie here

I don't count the days
anymore than I count trees

they're here 

and although real

also possess speechlessness

as if a call  

of golden light spilling 

from an eagerly opened door

its mouth 

holding in itself

a hole promising easy extinction 

_____________

Pic: Two green parakeets in a tree last week in Athens. We had to walk through this park to get anywhere, and we called it "AntiFascist Park" because of all the graffiti. #Greece

"Ammu, feeling vomitty"

Strong nausea all day yesterday, even through our anniversary dinner and I got through it all without spoiling it for Big A. But I was so bewildered by the timing of it, because no one else at home had it, and I was otherwise fine etc. 

Then it hit me this morning... I had been looking at our wedding album yesterday... and of course seeing all the pictures of mom must have triggered my grief nausea. (I still have it most mornings, but not in the evenings.)

And then I pictured myself telling her. Except, inexplicably, the words that popped into my head were the ones that Estha uses in The God of Small Things (in the scene that never fails to bring me to tears): "Ammu, feeling vomitty..." he says as the train pulls away from the station. So there I was in the middle of Meijer, crying... Big A holding me to him while I was telling him NOT to look at me.

Pic: A series of her walking hand-in-hand with my stepmom-in-law whom she'd met for the VERY FIRST TIME that weekend. This is so her. 

"drive safe"

Our TWENTIETH anniversary today! It feels both shorter than that and longer than that...

We went to dinner by ourselves where they presented us with some delicious champagne and then I ordered a sangria on top of that. Given how rarely I drink, it all did go to my head. So it made me giggle when our very young, very sweet, very attentive waiter wished us well at the end of the meal and looked directly at me when he said to "drive safe." I wasn't driving. 

Pic: Big A, me, and our ring bearer, At, 20 years ago. 

"come back soon"

Anyone we said goodbye to--hosts, cab drivers, colleagues, random people we met--told us to "come back soon." Or they told us more forcefully that we HAVE to come back soon. That's more like it, actually. 

I'm already kinda dreaming of a trip with At (who just started a new job and couldn't make it this time) for the next time. 

We're getting ready for our 24-hour journey back home. We're all still just cabin luggage for our ten-day trip so there's not a lot to pack, but Nu and Big A are going to have to carry some presents home for me as their "personal items." Can't wait to pick up Max and Huckie from "Boarding School."

Pic: Every Greek street seemed lined with orange and lemon trees and all of them were laden with fruit. #Greece

"you could have lied"

E.M's colleague has an archaeological dig near Corinth, and they invited us to come for a visit. So I went off for the day with EM and we got a tour of a dig site from a real archaeologist who loves their work and introduced us to several other archaeologists and showed us so many relics dating back millennia (some 600 B.C.) and archaeology journals from the 1920s and 30s.

I geeked out big time all day in Isthmia and Corinth and got home rather late. And then I might have said it was the best day of the vacation. "Ouch" Big A said, "You could have lied." Ha.

Pic: I'm holding a cup from the Byzantium age in my own dang hand. I also saw a lamp, where the clay had been wet when the potter was handling it, so their fingerprint is deposited on it. From 2300 years ago! #Greece

"with a friend"

We took a boat trip across the Saronic Gulf to Aegina and Agistri today. I'll be looking at pictures and videos of the sea and skies for a long time... the blues are fairly incredible. Even in the moment, they seemed unreal. 

Hunting for the perfect pistachio ice cream as one does on Aegina, Nu and I stopped at a beautiful Byzantine church. (I light candles for Scout and my mama everywhere I go.) 

The elderly woman who had been cleaning some pictures stopped and marched up to me, and I got a bit nervous wondering if I'd forgotten to take off my hat or was sitting in the wrong chair... but it turned out that she just wanted to confirm that I was Indian and give me compliments and appear thoroughly devastated that we were there only for the day. (My conversations with Greek people are in the 100th percentile for sweetness, I swear.) 

She kept referring Nu as "my friend" although we both explained how we were related a couple of times, so I kept reminding Nu to be a good friend for the rest of the day. 

Pic: Big A's candid of my "friend" Nu and me on the boat. #Greece

"greasy dudes in Greece"

Trip to Delphi today. I don't think even the Oracle could have explained why the tour company gave us more than three hours at various convenience stops and and then just an hour at the ruins... and LESS THAN AN HOUR at the museum. I could spend an hour just on The Charioteer alone. 

On our way home, Nu and Big A decided to stay outside while I picked up some stuff at the grocery. But suddenly Big A was at my elbow asking me if I needed help to carry stuff out. I did not, but A did not like the guy who'd let me cut the line and was talking to me. Nu and A think I talk to too many "greasy dudes in Greece." I just talk to everyone is all.

Pic: My judgy crew. #Greece

"of course you can't read Greek, it's not like it's Latin!"

When the taxi driver tried to confirm the address I'd copy-pasted into the app, I apologized about not being able to actually read what I'd pasted. 

He waved away my apology, forgiving everything with a breezy, "of course you can't read Greek, it's not like it's Latin!" I've been smiling about his niceness and possible language shade.

After our presentation today, EM noticed that people say "Congratulations!" instead of "nice presentation" or whatever. It certainly feels way more celebratory. Lots of interest in the QR code for our CFP (It's been viewed over a 1000 times at this point!) Three people helped us get our slide deck on the screen, and each one had a keyboard that was in a different language (Greek, Portuguese, French). It felt like very transnational solidarity.

Pic: Cafe near the university. I experienced a pang of envy about not being able to recreate the beauty of the vining wisteria and bougainvillea at home. #Greece